This post is very different from my others, because it's more or less unfiltered and very raw. Through my study of ADHD and the endless amount of self reflection I do on a regular basis, I have begun to understand my mind in new ways. While I know I'm not unique in my diagnosis, I do know that it's difficult for me to explain what my experience is and what I go through on a daily basis. To me, finding ways to "show" other people what is going on in my brain is really important, because I've never had the words, time, or understanding to accurately explain it to myself. I was reflecting on this, when I found this document that I had written a week or two before I began my medication for ADHD. I was in a bad place during that time, my ADHD was frustrating me, because in my work, I was beginning to see just how much it was holding me back from being who I wanted to be. So in my frustration, I wrote what is below, and as you can probably tell by the tone I used when writing it, that I was at the end of my rope, and running out of answers. It's fascinating to me to read this, because it's so different from who I am now on medication, and yet I still understand it clearly, almost like seeing a very old, favorite outfit that you used to wear, out of style, but still "you" in some way. I don't know what I hope to accomplish by sharing this, but every piece of me wants to, so I will:
Hello world. This will be my document of distraction, a record of easily memorable moments of my own thought. I will do my best to write in this as often as I can, but I highly expect my attention for such a task will diminish before I am finished. I am hoping to show those who do not understand my condition, what it feels like to try and have a normal day at work, or at a social gathering, or even just standing in front of a mirror as my first post will demonstrate.
Time elapsed during internal conversation: 30 seconds.
What I was doing beforehand: Using the restroom while watching a TED Talk focused on ADHD. The speaker gives the prompt, “Say you love yourself in a mirror,” and the following internal monologue is as exact as I can get to my own tumult of thought.
“Okay, look in the mirror and say you love yourself,” This thought was interrupted halfway through by,
“This is really silly.”
“A Lot of things I’ve been doing lately to help my ADHD are silly, just look in your eyes for once,” This thought was interrupted halfway through by,
“Hey, this is just like soul gazing (a story mechanic from the book series “The Dresden Files,” which I am a fan) Jim butcher was right, staring in someone else's eyes does kind of draw you in.” This thought was interrupted by,
“No, no, no, no, no, look at yourself and do the thing you said you were going to do, which was……”
“Say you love yourself, got it.”
“Why can’t I say it?” this thought was interrupted by,
“It’s because you really don’t love yourself,” This thought was interrupted by several thoughts at once, which is what I have started calling an "attack”
[Start of attack]
“You look tired,”
“You look sad,”
“You look ugly,”
“I don’t look ugly, that's just a negative thought that I’ve had so many times that its instinct,”
“None of this matters, just look,”
“I’m starting to cry, am I really crying or just crying for affect?”
“This exercise is harder than I thought, why can’t I just say it.”
“I’M SO AFRAID OF MY NEXT CALL, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO ITS WITH,” this thought caused a derailing panic which prompted me to look down at my phone and check the time. I then reminded myself that I had already taken the notes I needed to have the conversation and that I didn’t need to do anything else to prepare. I look back at the mirror.”
[End of attack]
“All I see is someone who is tired,”
“All I see is someone who doesn’t get the recognition he deserves for how hard he works.”
“Everyone gives you recognition, you just don’t give it to yourself.” This thought was interrupted by a scene, which happens a lot to me, I’ll be talking to myself in my head, and then I will imagine myself saying the words I’m thinking to someone else, and then imagine their reply.
(In the voice of my boss, as if I’d been having a conversation with him for some time and this was the apex of such conversation.) “Why don’t you give yourself that kind of recognition?”
“Because I’m smarter than this, and I know I could be doing better.” This thought was interrupted by,
“I wonder if they’ll give me an IQ test at my doctors appointment next week?” This thought was interrupted by,
“No, that's a counselor or psychiatrist thing, also it doesn’t really have anything to do with ADHD,” this thought was interrupted by,
“Maybe when I ask for some kind of ADHD medication, they will tell me I need to go to a Psychiatrist,”
“No, all those tv adds for this kind of thing says, ‘talk to your doctor to see if ______ is right for you!’”
I walked away from the mirror at this point, thinking about my doctors appointment next week. Anyone reading this, please let me know, how am I supposed to do anything right when I can't do a simple task like telling a mirror that I love myself?
I never went back to this document. I have had a thousand moments like this one. I had one while organizing this post. From reading this, I understand that my medication doesn't make this stop happening, it just makes me more equipped to pick out which thoughts I should listen to. At the time I wrote this, I had the mentality of "help me, I can't handle this." Now, I feel like I can handle it, but that it also slows me down, makes me too sensitive, and makes me react with panic rather than a level head.
In many ways, I'm glad I wrote, lost, then rediscovered this document, because it gives me some insight into what I go through, because it's just as confusing to me as it is to others. If I look lost in thought, confused, frustrated, or ask "sorry, what did you say?" mid-conversation, this document shows where my thoughts are. This is very important, because as you can see from the last line of the "Document of Distraction," when I get lost in thought, it usually ends with me being angry. And I'm not angry at the people around me, nor at my job, nor at the ADHD. I'm angry at myself. "How am I supposed to do anything right when I can't do a simple task like telling a mirror that I love myself?"
